I like talking to my fishes. Usually am the first one to reach home. Immediately after walking through the door i have this habit of walking into each room, pulling the curtains of the living room, opening the windows of the bedroom, switching on the light of the study while talking usually, to Marilyn.

It makes me feel like they are there to welcome me.

Marilyn looks at me in such a way when i walk into the room that it makes me want to believe that she knows me from S. She is my baby and i think i will cry a lot when she dies.

I met my kid-sister after almost two years. In between we had met very briefly. She and i - had this fun relationship where i would mostly make statements which would set her rolling with laughter. Two years later, my sis has grown up. And suddenly she is a woman. Somehow it made me sad. Sad cos am no longer part of her life and no longer do we share that special bond. It is not the years, not the miles. It was just meant to be this way. After mashi went, she grew up just in a matter of seven days. Really. Initially it broke my heart. Left it feeling heavy in a way i cannot  explain. But over time, i realise its for her best. After all it IS about survival of the fittest and she has finally arrived on her own.

-----------------------------------

New year brings with it each time so many resolutions. Those few of you who have known me over years, know how i have been trying to quit smoking for a long time now. Not that i have tried real hard. In fact honestly i don't think i have tried at all.

This year am more mature :) and hence no such silly resolution/s.  However, there are so many changes am planning to make to my life and topping the list (there is no list btw) is to give more time to S and to us. The last couple of months, since i started working again, life has been a little mad. It has been a fun, thrill ride no doubt, but so draining at the end of the day with deliverables at every step that it left me with little or no time to breathe. I realised finally that this is not a sustainable model. I want to do so many things and work is just one aspect of it. You know time always seems to run out. So it is just a matter of prioritising things.

There is so much i want to tell. Now did i mention my two fishes - Marilyn and Bob? They are the Angels which S got me for my birthday. Marilyn is absolutely adorable. We didn't realise the gender (and haven't still). It just so happened that Bob seemed to be more aggressive of the two and a little violent. I had no clue that a fish can be so reactive. Whenever i enter the room, Marilyn tries real hard to seek attention and in the process goes to the water surface and makes real cute fish faces or goes forward and backward in the fishbowl or just followes me with her huge round eyes as i potter in the room. Bob on the other hand has been in isolation for bad behaviour for the past couple of months. I know its not a good thing to do to a little fish. But he was so violent and would attack Marilyn's fins that in anger we put him in isolation (S was so angry, he wanted to drain him down the WC. I had to intervene and seriously convince him that it was a bad idea).


                                    Bob and Marilyn


But it seems like Marilyn is not keeping well lately as she has slowed down on eating :( and has red marks near her gills. Hope it s not an infection.

More updates on them soon.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

Human beings are meant to be an unhappy lot? Or to rephrase, never content? Question is - does one really want to reach nirvana? Really really really want?

Am not sure. What from there?

One ex married. Big news. Mixed thoughts. First joy and a sense of relief that the guilt no longer lies with me. There was no guilt. Or maybe there was.

Another ex to bite the dust soon. What is it with exs? She looks like a very sweet girl. Asked him - what is a guy doing with a girl like her?

Answered - same as you baby.

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

To new beginnings then....

            

            
                 Disney Palace at night
                    
            
                 Walt Disney And Mickey Mouse

                             
                              Tinkerbell

                    

My friend Madcap asked me to shake hands with Goofy who was nowhere to be seen, celebs being difficult to spot. So, had to be satisfied with shaking hands with Mickey alone, who incidentally was spotted near one of the restrooms :)

                
                     The Merry-Go-Round at night. A lone man standing in front.

                
                     Inside Mini's house in Toon Land

                     
                   Mini's computer and a girl who thought she was a princess for the day :) No thats not me!

                    
                EVERYone does the Walk Of Fame when in Hollywood and we were no different.

               
                    One of my fav actors from yesteryear.

                    
                     ....And the one from the present

              
They were really Good and did a beautiful Tears In Heaven. The person on the right flicked his hair like  Madcap and reminded me of our days together at Someplace Else.

                   
Superman and Batman. Two of the more popular comic characters. Apparently they are so popular that they work just half the day and make more dough than all the others put together. Superman had an uncanny similarity to Christopher Reeves.

                   
                           The only star on the wall and not on the sidewalk.

                   

Trivia : Each star has a symbol in the centre which indicates the association of the person with entertainment, like, Radio, Cinema, Comedy, Direction and the like.

                    
                            One of the most sought after stars

                          
                           A movie which gave me a lot of perspective, Castaway, at the House of Wax.

                         
                         But Naturally!!!

She sat there, beautiful in a conventional way - fair with a perfect complexion, exquisite eyes, a regal nose which would look equally pretty with a nose-ring, using her hands gently while she spoke, to reiterate what she was trying to convey, her hair loose and wet from the morning ablutions, wearing a faded kurta. She had lost weight since the last time we met and looked a little frail which just enhanced her beauty. She did not wear the telltale vermillon in the parting of her hair or the traditional red and white bangles (which all god-fearing bengali married women wear) which she had worn the last time we met.

We sat talking even though our lunch was long over. She talked about everything except for what must be on her mind all the time - her two children who had to be left behind and a failed marriage. She was not a person who spoke often and yet you could sense she was firm - firm in her decisions, firm as to her likes and her dislikes and from what i had heard, she had been bright as a student too. Then what was it that made her not look for any options, not study further, not reach out to create a niche for herself (however small) in this world but to settle and infact insist, on finding a groom for her in the arranged-way, right after college, and just 'settle down' in life? Didn't she have any aspirations? Aspirations other than the ones which included being a dutiful wife to a man and a good mother to her children?

As we spoke, i delved a little deeper and she told me that her in-laws had stated clearly right after her wedding that she could only and only wear a sari in the house and outside. I tried not to be shocked, not to be judgemental and yet i could not help asking - So did you think that was fair? You were okay with it?  And she told me - I rationalised and thought, this was a different house, their house, with a different set of principles and so thought it was actually fine since i shall have to live with them.

I am not a feminist. Seriously i dislike such labels from the bottom of heart. I don't believe in fighting for my rights cos why should i have to fight for what is rightfully mine? I just take what i wish and live quietly the way i choose to, provided it does not disturb the people i care for. It is only when someone steps on my line of rights or points out things which are not expected from me as a woman / girl, do i protest.

Here is a question which might have been discussed before a thousand times without a conclusive answer - do most of us (us being women) lose our individuality post-marriage, knowingly or unknowingly, be it cos of the rules set upon us by soceity (in-laws and other sundry relatives included) or be it by choice? Is this true even today for the majority of the *educated* *urban* woman? I know for a fact it is true for many of the girls i knew in school and / or in college. How did education help those people then if it did not help them to think, understand and if need be question their basic rights as an individual?

She is now alone, without her children, without her husband, trying to make sense of a life which has suddenly turned traitor, trying to acquire some certifications which will help her earn a living and not make her depend on her father or her brother and help her face the neighbours with a little more dignity. May be some part of her will never accept the fact that her marriage is over, that it was foolish of her to not think of herself at an earlier point in time and wait for ten long years before calling it quits.

 
She reminisced the time when she had danced the bihu dance along with some of the locals, how the times were happy then, how the rainbow seemed to hang right outside her window those days, how her children now were always on her mind.

Tell me, why do we women let ourselves get into a situation like this time and again?